


This Is Me Trying – Lena’s Time Without Kara

by Jeep_Girl



Series: This is Me Trying [3]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex Danvers & Lena Luthor Friendship, F/F, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor-centric, Sad Lena Luthor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:14:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28205898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeep_Girl/pseuds/Jeep_Girl
Summary: This one-shot covers the 8ish months that Lena and Kara are separated - telling Lena's side of the story. The story picks up right after Lena receives the letter from Kara (delivered by Alex), letting her know that she is returning to Midvale and wants distance from Lena in particular.This is meant to be a compliment to the full story This Is My Trying, and will make the most sense if you have read at least chapters 1-9 of the original story.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Series: This is Me Trying [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2006803
Comments: 6
Kudos: 39





	This Is Me Trying – Lena’s Time Without Kara

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for alcohol misuse.

Lena stares down at the note, attempting to will it out of existence. Her second bottle of wine that evening had convinced her brain that this technique would work, and that Kara would suddenly reappear in her penthouse if she just willed the note away. She stares down at it with contempt, eyeing it. If only she had heat vision…

By her third bottle of wine, Lena ends up throwing her empty bottles at her wall, smashing them to pieces for lying to her about the note. She passes out on her couch shortly after, too emotionally drained from her day and from the realizing that she has fully lost Kara to care.

She wakes up the next morning with a headache, having not drank in several months. She immediately texts Jess to cancel her meetings for the rest of the week.

Lena spends the next three days like this, waking up from time to time to drink more, before passing out again. When she awakes on the fourth day, she has enough clarity and soberness to know she can’t go on like this. She sighs as she searches for her phone, finding it actually plugged in and fully charged nearby. She picks it up and carries it with her back to the couch and lays down as she tries to figure out what she is going to say exactly. She grumbles to herself, knowing all she can really say is the truth.

“Aunt Lena!” Ruby exclaims, answering the phone. Lena jerks the phone away from her ear, already regretting her decision as she is nursing a headache. “Hey Ruby darling, how are you? Is your mom around?” Ruby catches Lena up on school and soccer for a few minutes. Lena tries her best to pay attention and ignore the pounding in her head. She finally hears Sam in the background, asking Ruby who she is on the phone with. “Oh, Lena, mom is finally done getting ready for work.” Lena is thankful when she hears her dear friend on the line. “Lena, it’s been a little while since we have heard from you. Everything ok?”

Lena lets out a long breath. Somehow, Sam always knows without Lena having to say anything. The last time Lena called Sam; it was when Kara crashed… when she had no memories. Lena called Sam freaking out over what to do. Sam helped calm her down over the phone then, helped her figure out what to do. And while Lena and Kara had agreed not to tell anyone about their dating status… Sam called Lena out for loving Kara long ago. That part wasn’t a secret. So, Lena simply left it at that. Let Sam think it was simply Lena pinning after her best friend.

Lena decides to blunt. “She left Sam.” There is an awkward silence on the other end for a few seconds, before Sam asks, “What do you mean Lena?” Lena sighs. “I mean, she left the city. She went home to Midvale… she said she wants us to go our separate ways.” Though she can’t see Sam, Lena knows she just sat down. “Shit… Lena… I’m sorry. What can I do?” And this is why Sam is Lena’s best friend. She knows she doesn’t know what is best for Lena, that only Lena knows. Except this time, Lena doesn’t. “I don’t know Sam… Everything hurts… my heart fucking hurts…”

A few moments of silence pass between the two women. Sam clears her throat. “Alright… ok, Lena. Listen to me, ok? I need some time here in Metropolis to get some things in order. But then I am going to come stay with you for a little while, ok? Just to help out with Lcorp and help you get back on your feet, ok?” Lena’s eyes go wide, she hadn’t expected such a response from Sam. “Sam… you can’t come take care of me. You have Ruby to take care of…” Lena knows it’s a lame excuse, but she doesn’t want Sam to see her like this. She doesn’t want anyone to see her like this. “Ruby can manage without me for a little while. She has her stepdad now, after all, who she adores.” Lena can practically hear Sam smiling through the phone about her significantly other. She met him shortly after moving to Metropolis. He coaches Ruby’s soccer team and teaches science at her school. It took six months of them dancing around each other before he finally asked her on a date. Sam has always been so focused on raising Ruby that she had been hesitant to agree. Lena was the one who convinced her to give it a shot.

“Sam… I can’t ask you to do this…” Lena tries a different tactic. “You aren’t asking, I’m offering. And you cannot decline. Give me a week or so to get things set up at the Lcorp facility here and everything arranged for Ruby. I’ll be there sometime next week, ok?” Lena knows there is no way out of this. Sam will be here for her, whether she likes it or not, just like she was there for Sam when she was dealing with Reign.

“Ok Sam.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lena spends the next week in a drunken stupor, having preemptively had Jess cancel any and all Lcorp events and meetings, saying she had a family emergency and needed to leave for a while. Jess knows it’s a lie. After all, Lena’s family are all in prison or dead. But she doesn’t question Lena, just does as she is asked. Or well, better than that. Jess always goes above and beyond. That’s why Lena likes her assistant so much. And makes a note in her calendar to give Jess a raise next month.

When Sam finally shows up at Lena’s penthouse, she finds Lena on the couch, surrounded by several empty bottles of liquor, having moved on from wine and back into her old drinking habits quickly. Lena knows she shouldn’t be drowning her sorrows like this. But the pain in her chest was so overwhelming. And this was the only thing that seemed to help. She deleted Kara’s contact information from her phone so she wouldn’t be tempted to use it. Not that it mattered. She knew her number by heart. But she figured Kara might decide to live an entirely new life with a new number, new friends, new partners… These thoughts did nothing to ease Lena’s heartache, only exacerbate it. So, she drank.

Sam helped Lena sober up enough to shower and clean up her penthouse, which she hadn’t left at all in the past two weeks. Once it was cleaned up and Lena was relatively sober, she laid on Sam’s lap on the couch and cried, finally feeling all the emotions she was not letting herself feel since receiving the note from Kara.

Once Lena was cried out, Sam ordered them some food, and they spent the rest of the day curled up on the couch, eating food and watching old movies. Lena admitted that she didn’t remember the last time she ate solid food. Sam was firm with Lena but understanding. She would give Lena one more day of sulking in her penthouse before they would start getting her back into a normal schedule back at Lcorp.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lena spends the next week working from home, insisting she isn’t ready to have to put on a real front yet. Sam acquiesces easily, knowing how hard this is for Lena. She helps get Lena’s home office all set up with the most up-to-date security measures, coordinating with Jess she pushes back all unnecessary meetings another week, leaving only two meetings on Lena’s agenda. Other than that, she has a host of emails she needs to get through and a stack of paperwork. Jess sends what she can virtually and then delivers the rest herself to Lena’s penthouse without question.

While the first day is tediously slow going, Lena is thankful that Sam is essentially holding her hand and dragging her along through the entire day. She helps Lena with almost every email, handles several nonessential phone calls on Lena’s office phone, and organizes the stack of paperwork delivered by Jess, prioritizing it in order of importance and timeliness. While not much actually work is completed on that first day, it was a gigantic step forward for Lena and she knows it.

That evening, Sam again orders take out and even serves Lena a glass of wine with dinner. Lena gives her a gracious look as she begins to eat and talk about the plan for tomorrow. Sam finds a history documentary on the tv after that and snuggles up with Lena on the couch for the rest of the evening. She doesn’t say anything when Lena shudders and starts to cry, simply pulls her in closer and lets her cry.

And so, this is how the next three days progress. Sam helping Lena a little less and less with tasks each day. And finally, on the fourth day, Sam asks Lena to help her cook dinner instead of ordering take out. Lena sighs but agrees. They spend the next hour preparing a homecooked meal for the two of them. Lena remembers this is something she used to enjoy. And maybe, well maybe she can find her enjoyment in it again someday.

It’s that thought, passing through her head, that precedes her next request of her best friend.

“Sam?” She asks, turning to Sam who is pulling a dish out of the oven. “Yeah boss?” Sam says it sarcastically, like she usually does when she is messing with Lena. But when she finally turns around to see the expression on Lena’s face, she quickly changes tactics. “Hey, what is it?” Lena takes in a deep breath. “Will you… remind me to call my therapist tomorrow?”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Lena, it’s good to see you again, it’s been a while.”

“Dr. Q, it’s good to see you. I wish it were under different circumstances.” Lena walks in and sits down in her normal spot on the couch, glancing sadly at the spot next to her, the one that used to be occupied by Kara. She glances back to her therapist who is sitting expectantly across from her in a chair.

“So, no Kara today?” She gives Lena a cautious look.

Lena sighs. “There’s a lot to catch you up on…”

Lena spends most of session telling her about Kara’s memory loss and the precarious time that followed where Lena tried to give her space, only to have Kara leave anyway.

“So, it has been a few weeks since she left now?” Lena nods. “And how have you coped with her decision to leave?”

Lena swallows, knowing she has to talk about this even if she doesn’t want to. “I know she made the decision she needed to make for herself. I get it, I really do. But that doesn’t mean I am any less heartbroken from it.” Dr. Q sits and waits patiently for Lena to continue and actually answer her question. Lena knows this, that she is already trying to justify and explain her behavior these past few weeks. She sighs and her shoulder sink. “I started drinking again… a lot. After being lost in the bottle for a few days, I called my friend Sam. She insisted on coming to National City and help me get back on track with work and such…” Her therapist nods, waiting to see if Lena adds anything else. Under the gaze of Dr. Q, Lena adds in her newest way of coping. “With Sam back, I am now throwing myself into work at Lcorp. I am back in the office again, but I find myself working 12-to-14-hour days at a minimum. And if I am being honest with myself, if it wasn’t for Sam, I would probably be sleeping at my office half the time too… too tired to go home… or just wanting to avoid my penthouse because of the memories that now haunt me. I feel like a ghost in my own house…”

Lena lets out a long, ragged breath and closes her eyes and puts her hand up to squeeze around her eyes and nose, trying to squelch the tears in her eyes.

“Well, Lena, first off, I want to say that what you have been going through these last few months is beyond difficult. It’s something that almost no one else will experience in their life. And I know that can make you feel isolated and alone. And while you did engage in some old negative coping skills, you also did some very positive things, like calling Sam for support. And calling me to set up this appointment.” She gives Lena a small smile. Lena returns one in gratitude. Dr. Q is right. Lena may have struggled and will likely continue to have struggles as she copes with this situation. But she can also continue to focus on herself, focus on building a life outside of Kara, and focus on growing as a person.

“So, here is what I want you to do moving forward. The first thing is that I want you to come up with a work schedule that is more manageable. The second thing is that I want you to start coming up with a list of activities you will do on your downtime. What are things that Lena enjoys doing? What are things that maybe you have always wanted to do but didn’t because of things in your life getting in the way?”

Lena nods. “I can do that.”

“Great, I also want you to think about the person you were before Kara Danvers and how you have changed since she entered your life. What are the aspects of yourself you want to keep post Kara? Are there any aspects of yourself that you lost and want to find again? Are there aspects of yourself that you want to focus on next on this journey? Who does Lena Luthor want to be, as a person, moving forward, regardless of her relationship with Kara?”

Lena gives her half a smile, knowing this one might be a bit more difficult for her.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lena, despite her perfectionistic, go big or go home tendencies, agrees to start with something small. She agrees to not go into work before 7am and to leave no later than 6pm. The first week of doing this is excruciating for Lena. Running a technologically innovative company that spans the world takes a lot of time. Time she has always felt like she needed to take to make sure her company never faltered. So much to her surprise, she finds that the company still runs at her expected level, even if she _only_ works 11 hours a day, six days a week.

It's another week or so as Lena re-esablishes herself at Lcorp before Sam heads back to Metropolis. Lena thanks her profusely, unsure if she could have gotten this far this quickly without her. Sam gives Lena a long hug in response, and makes Lena promise to call her weekly to check in. Lena begrudgingly agrees, leading to a satisfying smirk from Sam.

The next thing Lena decides to do is a bit more… intense. She told Dr. Q that she had always wanted to write, but she never knew where to start. When Dr. Q suggested that she “right what she knows,” Lena can’t help but think that the thing she knows best, above all else, is her relationship with Kara. All these memories hold a strong part in her brain. And despite the boxes she tries to put them away in, they keep seeping out. So, Lena starts to write the story of her and Kara – how they met, how they finally became friends, when she realized she was in love with her best friend, through the time that Lex revealed Kara’s secret and the fallout from all of that. It takes Lena over a month to write the entire story, as she often finds herself needing to walk away from what she is writing, too distraught to continue in that given moment.

It’s towards the end of finishing her and Kara’s story that she gets an unexpected visit from Alex Danvers at Lcorp. It’s almost 6pm and Lena is packing up for the evening as she just finished up a contract for a merger with a small technology company that Lcorp would be taking on. She was hopeful that with this new company, she would bring on some inquisitive minds to her labs at Lcorp. She was looking through the employee records, trying to assess which might be best fits for different departments, when she gets a knock on the door. She knows Jess had left a short while ago (per Lena’s assistance). Lena, who is very vigilant, approaches the door cautiously, but only after taking the Glock 9mm from her desk draw that is activated by her specific biometrics.

She makes it a few steps from the door when suddenly she hears “Lena, it’s me… Alex… Danvers.” Lena lets out a bated breath as she walks over to the door and unlocks it. She walks back to her desk as Alex enters, returning the gun to the secret drawer in her desk.

“Good for you Lena,” Alex comments on the weapon, as she is also one to always be prepared.

Lena sits in her chair and signals for Alex to sit in one of the chairs across from her. “Alex, not that I mind seeing you after so long. But I do have to ask… why are you here?” Alex gives Lena a hard look, before sarcastically saying “It’s good to see you too Lena.”

Lena smirks. “It is good to see you, Alex. But the only times in the past you have come to my office are because I was in danger or you needed me to help save the world or…” She trails off, not wanting to explicitly point out exactly why Alex was here in her office last time. Alex gets it though and gives Lena a small pitying smile.

“I won’t take up too much of your time, I just wanted to discuss two things with you.” Lena nods for Alex to continue, though she raises an eyebrow questioning at the same time. Alex ignores it though and continues talking. “First, I wanted you to know that Kara is back in National City.” Lena’s facial features falter for a moment before she sets them into her cold, aloof CEO features. Internally, her heart rate spiked at the mention of Kara being back in the city. She was back. What did that mean for Lena?

Alex waited a few seconds, but when Lena didn’t respond, she continued. “The second thing I wanted to talk to you about is… well, I was wondering if you wanted to start having dinner with me every few weeks.”

This request made Lena bark out a laugh. “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Why?”

Alex sighed, silently berating herself. She should have known it wouldn’t be as easy as simply extending the invitation. This was Lena Luthor after all. “Look, I just thought you could use a friend. I know I haven’t been around since I delivered Kara’s letter. And I am sorry about that. I guess I thought you wanted space and would reach out when you were ready. But, with Kara being back, you are very soon going to start seeing Supergirl around again too. And I thought that maybe you could use a friend. Plus, I could keep you apprised of Kara’s… of Supergirl’s activities.”

Lena tilts back in the chair, contemplating the offer. Lena knows this is one of those things that made her list – establishing social connections. She just hadn’t prioritized it yet. It was supposed to come later… much later. She lets out a sigh. “Alright. Dinner once a month. But Alex… no one can know.” Lena knows she is really only referring to one person. Alex gives her a knowing nod, nonetheless. “We can meet at my penthouse,” Lena finishes like it is a business deal. Alex is smiling, clearly satisfied with the outcome of their interaction.

The realization hits Lena five minutes after Alex leaves and she immediately calls the DEO director.

“Lena?”

“Supergirl is back. We need to strategize how to handle that… from a PR perspective… I own the DEO. The city will be expecting an explanation for Supergirl’s absence. We need to cover it up a bit. And I know Kara is back, but she should put off being Supergirl for a couple of weeks at a minimum. This way, they aren’t arriving back at the same time and it can throw some suspicious away from Kara hopefully.”

Alex is so taken aback by Lena continuing to put Kara’s safety and security ahead of everything else, she is speechless.

“Alex? Did you get all that?”

“Yeah… yes. I will let Kara know to put off her super duties for a couple weeks. And I will talk to her about having to make a public appearance at a press conference after she returns.”

“Excellent. And Alex, make sure she doesn’t give any other interviews or press appearances in the meantime. We want to control this narrative as much as we can.”

“Of course. I’m on it.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lena had been doing an excellent job in avoiding any and all news media or paparazzi since Kara had left. That was all about to change now, as she would have to make her first public appearance to announce Supergirl’s return to the city. Lena had come up with the off-world mission idea on her own, deciding that it would be best if the general public thought that Supergirl was somewhere unreachable doing something heroic. Lena wasn’t sure whether Alex told Kara that Lena would be at the press conference, but she made it clear to Alex exactly how the event would go. This was purposeful, so she could speak first and then make a quick getaway. While Lena was excited for Kara to be back in National City, she was also very anxious about the idea of having to see her and talk to her. She had no idea what had happened with Kara in Midvale or why she decided to come back now. And besides, Kara made it clear in her letter to Lena that she wanted nothing to do with Lena. Lena intended to respect this boundary as best she could.

The one thing Lena doesn’t try to stop herself from doing, is checking up on Kara and Supergirl. She gets an alert on her phone anytime Kara publishes a new article at Catco and she gets news updates anytime Supergirl is in the news. She keeps track of Kara from a distance. She smiles anytime she reads a particularly compelling articles written by Kara and she laughs when she sees something clearly written for click bait at Andrea’s directive. Since taking over the DEO and reinstating Alex as the director, Alex has sent Lena a weekly summary of their work. Since Supergirl’s return, Lena noticed the increase in detail from Alex on the weekly report, particularly with any incident involving Supergirl. Neither Alex nor Lena outwardly acknowledged this with each other. Though Lena is sure Alex is doing it purposefully and she can’t help but smile when she hears about Supergirl’s accomplishments.

She would never admit it, but she also smiles because of her budding friendship with Alex. While the first dinner was a bit awkward, the two women quickly found much in common. Aside from hearing updates about Kara and the other Superfriends, they would often discuss science and medicine. Lena would tell Alex about various Lcorp projects while Alex would update Lena on the tech division work at the DEO. They would also sometimes discuss potential research ideas for Supergirl to help her out in battle. Lena never volunteered to do the work herself, instead offering up some of her ideas for Alex to have the DEO pursue. Their friendship had stemmed from a place of concern for Lena, and now they found it being based on mutual respect for each other and knowing that both of them love Kara. Lena just wasn’t sure whether Alex knew to what extent Lena loved Kara. Lena never mentioned it outright and Alex never brought up or asked about the events that transpired between Lena and Kara shortly before she lost her memory. This led Lena to conclude that Alex didn’t know that they had been dating. And so, Lena continued to respect that secret. Even if she was the only one who remembered.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lena’s therapy continues to focus on building her own life that is worth living, something she could not only be proud of, but also something she could enjoy. Which is how Lena found herself reestablishing an entirely new routine between work and home. It took a few months, but she finally met her goal of not working more than ten hours per day. Lena has always been an early rising though, so she uses that time to work out. At first, she struggles with it, reminded of the times Kara joined her for spin classes. Lena laughs now, remembering how one time, Kara claimed to have a leg cramp in the middle of the class. She knows now Kara was probably required for some Supergirl duty. She shakes her head, no wonder she never saw Kara as Supergirl. And with that, Lena reflects on the fact that this kind of memory, one that used to cause such intense rage, now only elicits a small sad laugh from her. Because in reality, Lena would do anything to have even that version of Kara back. For Lena, it was always Kara first. Even when she was furious at Kara and not talking to her, she still saw her as Kara first. She grimaces at the memories of how she would purposefully only call Kara by her ulterior name. Only calling her Supergirl when they were not on friendly terms. Lena still feels some self-loath when she remembers these kinds of memories. When that happens, she is tempted to revert back to her old coping mechanisms, but she refrains, knowing that while that would help in the short term, it wasn’t helping her accept her past behaviors and move forward with what she has in her life now.

And so, Lena continues to focus on the things that she has control over. She has Lcorp running smooth and so she is able to focus time on herself. The morning workouts become part of her daily rituals and she finds herself building up a small gym in one room of the penthouse. In the evenings, she focuses on trying to do things she used to enjoy. It’s an odd feeling for Lena, who was raised to be so focused on success and perfectionism. And in fact, this causes her to have some dissonance about the entire thing for the first few weeks. She was so used to being on the go all the time and focused on her career and helping fix the world that it was difficult for her to slow down and enjoy the time she spends in the evenings reading and writing for enjoyment. But she does, and Lena finds herself relishing her time doing these activities. Not only that, but she finds herself being able to focus more while at work. Though, any time her phone alert goes off, she is immediately pulled away from whatever she was focused on, feeling a strong desire to immediately read about Supergirl or to read the latest article written by Kara. It is the one way she still feels close to her soulmate.

Kara had been back a few months when Lena decided she needed something more than her solitary life. The dinners with Alex were great, but she didn’t feel right about pursuing relationships with the other Superfriends. They were Kara’s friends first, after all. But even so, she could no longer deny that the solitude has been lonely at times.

Which is why, on this particular Saturday, she finds herself at an animal shelter. The third animal shelter that day, to be precise. Lena wasn’t sure exactly what she was looking for. She just hoped she would know when she found it. So far, she had spent the morning meeting various cats and dogs, and even a couple bunny rabbits. Lena was walking through the shelter, again frowning at how sad the life of animals is when they are at shelters. She makes a mental note to tell Jess to set up and make a donation to all National City shelters next week. The least she could do is help make sure all the shelters stay up and running for the next year or maybe five years...

It’s in that moment that Lena sees four pairs of green eyes staring at her from a darkened cage. Lena cautiously approaches, not wanting to spook the critters. Their eyes matching Lena’s. As she approaches, the eyes watch her curiously, but do not seem scared by her. She holds her hand up to the outside of the cage so that the animals might be able to smell her. One of them immediately comes out from the dark area of the cage, taking his time sniffing Lena’s hand while watching her eyes with his own. She smiles at him. He meows in return. And if Lena didn’t know any better, she would say this sleek black cat was smiling back at her. It’s a few seconds more before the other pair of eyes show themselves to be attached to another equally adorable black cat. He calmly approaches, seeing his brother’s approval of Lena, taking his own turn to investigate her hand. Lena steps back and slowly opens the cage, again offering her hand to the cats.

Lena finds herself holding the two black cats just a few minutes later. She is sitting down on the floor, the cats lounging in her lap, purring deeply as she pets them. She glances up as she sees one of the shelter workers enter.

“Ah, I see you have found some of our newest editions to the shelter. They came in this morning with several other kittens. We haven’t even named them yet.” Lena glances from the worker to the cats in her lap. “These two are brothers?” She asks to confirm her suspicions. “Yes, they were brought in and surrendered. The mother cat wasn’t taking care of her kittens. These were the two lone survivors.”

Lena nods in acknowledgement. She smiles at the fateful timing of events. She can’t help but feel connected to the two kittens whose mother didn’t want them. Their eyes matching her own. And while Lena didn’t anticipate going home with two animals today… she most certainly cannot separate siblings.

“I’d like to adopt them both,” she says firmly with a bright smile on her face.

Lena didn’t grow up with pets. Anything with fur was too much of an inconvenience in the Luthor household. And then she was sent off to boarding school. No pets there either. And after spending a week with her cats, she has decided that not having a childhood pet may have been one of the most devious things the Luthor’s ever did to her. Which is saying something given all the assassination attempts they have made.

Lena names them Tesla and Edison, choosing to name the more adventurous and daring of the two Tesla. Edison takes much of his cues from his brother. They spend the first few days venturing into every nook and cranny of Lena’s penthouse, except for her lab which remains locked tight. They seem to particularly enjoy the patio, but only when Lena is out there as well. The two cats want to be in whatever room Lena is currently occupying. They come running to the door when she returns home from Lcorp each day. And Lena even lets Tesla and Edison sleep in her bed at night.

Lena loves them so much, and she finds her heart filled with joy being around her new housemates. She even tells them about Kara and Supergirl. She knows they can’t really understand her or respond in the way a person would. But for Lena, she thinks this is exactly what she needs. There is no judgment from her cats. They simply curl up on her lap and offer purrs and snuggles while she talks to them about Kara. It usually happens when she gets an alert on her phone or Supergirl comes on the news. She talks to the cats about how she hopes Kara is doing well or about how she is kicking butt downtown or in her latest article at Catco. It feels good for Lena, to have companions like this. She even thinks that maybe, this can be enough for her. She doesn’t deny the ache in her heart when she gets an alert about Kara. Nor does she deny the continued wish she has that one day, somehow, Kara will return to her. She acknowledges those aspects of her being while also focusing on the things she has control of in her life. She continues to go see Dr. Q every two weeks now. She no longer drinks alcohol. She enjoys reading and writing in her downtime when she isn’t tinkering in her lab. All in all, Lena finds an entirely new routine for her life where she isn’t a workaholic, but instead has balance. Knowing she has two cats at home to take care of certainly helps her maintain that balance.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All in all, Lena’s life was going well. Until the day she walks into her office expecting Nia Nal and instead sees Kara Danvers.

Suddenly, Lena’s mind is flooded with memories – from the first time she met Kara, to being rescued by Supergirl in the helicopter, to the moments after that first fateful day as Kara slowly but surely took down Lena’s walls she had so carefully crafted around herself. Moments at lunch with Kara flash through her mind. Other memories too – like spending Thanksgiving with Kara and her friends and family and all the moments she worked with Supergirl and Alex to help Sam, Kara’s birth mother, and the entire multiverse. Everything passed through her for a moment and her breathe hitches slightly before she finally states blankly “You aren’t Nia Nal.”

Lena almost lets her façade fall when she hears Kara rambling a reply explaining that Nia called in sick today. Lena is skeptical that Nia is actually sick. Lena doesn’t have much time to think about that though, as she notices Kara glance at the couch as she makes her way to the chairs. This causes a slightly uptake in Lena’s heartrate, which she knows Kara can hear, though she makes no noticeable observation if she does notice it. Lena’s mind races. Why would Kara, this Kara, one who has never been to Lena’s office and shared all the meals and conversations with her, glance at the couch like an old familiar companion. Very odd indeed, Lena thinks as she looks to Kara and attempts to get this interview over with. “Well, Ms. Danvers, you’re here to interview me today about the new tech my team has developed to help with efforts to clean the oceans of all the trash and other waste, yes?”

The interview goes off without a hitch, Kara taking details notes for the article. The other thing Lena notices is Kara’s hesitancy to get too close to Lena, always staying an arm’s length away, like Lena is some kind of burner… like she is afraid of being burned by being so close to Lena. This is something Lena is not accustomed too. Kara was always the physically affectionate one between the two of them. Having Kara so close now, but seemingly afraid to be too close to Lena, makes Lena feel a sadness she hasn’t felt in some time. She sighs as they make their way back to Lena’s office, where she gives Kara her business card in case she has any follow up questions. She has no idea whether Kara still has her personal phone number and is too afraid of knowing the answer to ask.

Seeing Kara blush at Lena’s comment about reading her articles, brings back a flurry of emotions for Lena. This here, is eerily similar to the Kara she knew last year. It sends a shiver down her spine.

As Kara is leaving, she leaves Lena with a quiet but sincere “It’s really good to see you, Lena.” And that statement does something to Lena – it sparks a tiny flame of hope that hasn’t really existed in months. Lena nods and smiles, unsure of how to respond to such a statement because she isn’t sure exactly what it means.

Lena rides the high of their interaction for the rest of the day, and only lets herself to start analyzing the event that evening as she gets ready for bed. Her mind racing with thoughts of what exactly Kara meant by the statement. It was a simply enough statement. But the way Kara had said it sounded so heavy. Like Kara was holding something back but Lena had no idea. She kept reminding herself that this Kara likely has different mannerisms and ways of communicating and therefore, Lena can’t rely on her own read of any situation. Despite how adept she became at communicating with Kara and reading Kara’s emotions, this was not _her_ Kara, not really.

Lena has a sleepless night that evening, tossing and turning in her bed as she unsuccessfully decodes Kara’s interactions throughout the interview. Lena feels like she is reading mixed signals from Kara. On the one hand, the way she spoke to Lena or reacted to comments Lena made, reminded her of the old Kara. On the other hand, this Kara kept her physical distance from Lena, apparently not wanting to get too close to her. And so, Lena spends the night staring up at the ceiling, more confused and conflicted than she has been since Kara awoke with no memories of her.

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Lena ultimately shakes it off the next day, deciding that this was an anomaly, and it was likely that things would return to there status quo. And they do until her next dinner with Alex. Alex’s words still ringing in her mind long after Alex leaves for the evening.

_“I didn’t want to say anything before… but Kara, she is still struggling some.”_

Lena understands Alex’s concern and knows it was a big deal for Alex to even ask Lena to reach out to Kara. Now that Alex is gone, Lena wonders if she made the right decision in sticking to her initial plan. After all, it isn’t like Lena doesn’t sometimes (or most days) think about reaching out to Kara, even to just simply ask her how she is doing. But until now, Lena had no reason to think Kara was doing bad. She was being successful at Catco and as Supergirl. And seeing her in person a few weeks ago seemed to align with this belief. Kara looked good in person; Lena couldn’t deny it. She was bright and sunny, like she is most of the time. Though after talking to Alex, Lena was swiftly reminded about how much of a front Kara can often put up to everyone around her. Granted, she had rarely put up a front in front of Lena, at least not when she was Kara (Supergirl was an entirely different story). But could it be that now, Kara hides her true self from Lena too?

And for the second time this month, Lena has another sleepless night.

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It’s the intrigue and selfish part of Lena that allows her to agree to go to Kara’s birthday party. Lena knows it, she knows that deep down this invite came from Alex and not Kara, so who knows whether Kara even wants her at the party. But Alex was insistent. And Lena, not having seen Kara in a couple of months, not since the interview, is longing for another chance to see the Kryptonian in person. To stare into her crystal blue eyes again. To smell her sweet vanilla scent. To really get a sense of whether Kara is struggling as much as Alex claims she is.

It is the culmination of those desires that leads to Lena agreeing to go to Kara’s surprise birthday party. She spends the week before designing and testing Kara’s birthday present. There is a giddiness to it all for Lena, working again on projects related to Supergirl. She is smiling fully more than she has in months. It brings her a level of joy that she forgot she could experience.

That joy is tenfold when she sees Kara reaction to the gift. And if Lena’s body is buzzing at the response, her body is setting off fireworks at the hug she receives from Kara at the end of the night. Different, yet familiar, the embrace is something Lena has been yearning to have in her life again. And getting it once opens a well of desire she had set aside, all of it rushing over Lena in the hours that follow. And that tiny flame of hope suddenly becoming a raging, unstoppable force inside her. Kara was back in her life. She had invited Lena to her apartment tomorrow to drop off the other birthday gift. It was a small gesture, but one of several she had received that evening from Kara. And so, Lena was filled with a level of hope she hadn’t had in over a year. She had no idea where this road would take her, whether Kara would ever want anything more than a friendship, but she didn’t mind. Having Kara in her life in any capacity would mean everything to Lena.

That night, she fell asleep with her heart so full of hope, love, and excitement for the future. It all left a smile on her lips as she drifted into her dreams, which were overly pleasant for the first time in months. Perhaps it was because, as she transitioned from awake to sleep, there was one phrase running through her mind.

_Home, Kara is finally coming home._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this. I will be writing Part 2 of the original story now that this is complete. :)


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